Story time with

BILL

A resident listens to the ex-owner of the Bill’s Produce brand - and discovers some remarkable things about the new branch in Horsham Old Town Hall .

---------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“I always wanted to be a fireman,” says Bill Collison, who now has ten restaurants named after him in what is planned to be a national chain managed by COTE. “However, there was no game plan,” says Bill – I just woke up one day and found that I had signed all the necessary papers in my sleep.

 

Bill’s love of burgers and beer in his late teens altered his early ambitions, although he was pleased that one of his restaurants was a converted fire station.

 

“The original idea was that the food was all fresh and used for both the produce store and the restaurant – tomatoes that didn’t sell were used to make soup the next day, and that cycle continued for years in the beginning. However, we eventually managed to ditch all such ideological cobbler; for example Italian sun-dried tomatoes in jars would last for years in the Lewes store”.

 

Many of the staff Bill hired 25 years ago are still with him today – a testament not only to his likeable nature, but to the kind of planning that has to go into the unusual business model.

 

“As our restaurant workers are paid five times the going rate we mostly have to sign them as babies” explained Bill. “It’s a bit like having to put down a child’s name for a posh public school before they are actually born.”

 

“The staff are key for me. We have a lot of degree holders due to the very generous pay and conditions obviously. Also, one in four of our workers are disabled in some way in order to properly reflect society at large. At Bill’s we like to be politically ‘right on’ of course. However, I’d much rather employ someone who is happy - so in the Horsham branch - our employees will also get twenty-five weeks holiday a year. The plan is that their ‘chilled out’ and stress free demeanour will rub off on the punters and they won’t have the heart to complain about anything.”

 

“It’s the reason we can give such great customer service. Because the people who work here really enjoy it,” Bill added.

 

“Sometimes I’ll show up at the Lewes Store on a Friday evening after it’s closed and I’ll see a group of the younger staff members hanging out, having a drink. I find that giving unlimited free beer to the staff helps them wear a permanent infectious smile. It’s a smile that is so effective on the customers.”

 

But he says that his passion remains the same – free food, great service and giving the customer what they want. Many people might think that free food is unusual in a restaurant - but Bill gives back to others whenever he has the opportunity. “For me, it’s all about giving. Give, give, give and it will all come back to you ten fold”.

 

“I got this philosophy from my millionaire backer Richard Caring,” Bill explained.

 

“A lot of people think that Richard made his early fortune from cheap textiles produced in the Far-East. However, this is not true. Like me, he started small of course, giving away a few quid here and there. Before he knew it he was giving away hundreds - and then thousands. Eventually of course, when he was up in the billions, he couldn’t give it a way fast enough. Mostly these days, he has to content himself with throwing parties for his mates on his estate in the West Country – except what he lent to the Blair government or donated to the Tories of course.”

 

Bill added, “I fully embrace Richard’s giving philosophy. A lot of Horsham businesses might be upset that my COTE business partners will soon obtain from the Council - permission for Bill’s Produce to have so many tables, chairs and umbrellas in Market Square for example.”

 

“This is why I will be giving each and every Horsham business a hundred thousand quid. It’ll keep everybody happy and if my maths is correct, it should make me millions. Similarly, a lot of residents might be upset about the radical changes to an historic Grade II listed building - so they will all find themselves £1,000 richer within three days of application.”

 

“Additionally, in the Horsham branch, rather than just have free food we are actually going to pay the customer. I am never afraid to ask a customer what they think or what they want and then act upon that. All they have to do is ask and I’ll make sure I get it for them.”

 

Speaking about the latest venue in the Old Town Hall , Bill told the resident, “We’ll give the Horsham site loads of love and attention. We’ll make Horsham proud of what we do with it. Wherever we open a restaurant, we take great care to ensure it reflects the town we are in, and what the customers want.”

 

“If a person in a wheelchair wants to eat on the top floor for example, the lack of a disabled lift will not be a problem. Like any staff in wheelchairs, we will simply bounce them on a big trampoline up through the big hole we will cut in the ceiling. It’s all part of the ‘fun, fun, fun’ atmosphere in a Bill’s. There has to be something in it for the kids as well of course. I know that local author Robert Mayfield and my COTE masters have had their differences about the Old Town Hall in the past, but I’d like to build on Mr Mayfield’s idea about the Old Town Hall being a castle. I can exclusively reveal therefore that the Horsham Bill’s will be in the form of a big, red, bouncy castle. Indeed, it will be ‘fun, fun, fun’ all the way.”

 

Bill’s generosity towards local business and Horsham residents will not stop there of course. He will still give away coconuts to school and community fetes every year too. “In Horsham however, we’d like to get back to the idea of fresh, local produce as far as possible,” Bill explained.

 

“To that end we will be growing the coconuts on a nearby, disused - but renovated by me - Horsham farm. Of course all the necessary sun lamps to ripen the coconuts will be powered by natural, alternative energy sources too.”

 

“I know that people might be naturally sceptical of all this,” Bill told the resident.

 

“However, I hope the people in the District don’t wake up and pinch themselves like I do every morning. With the unbalanced diet being fed to everybody by the local press and the voracious appetite for Bill’s by the Council, there is still perhaps just a small chance, that the Horsham residents and businesses will swallow it all whole”.

At Item 21 on the 1st Archives Q&A page (16th August 2012) and you can read the original article upon which this spoof article is based!